I think they call it an emergency plan. When I emerged from a particularly long and challenging bout with depression, and had the clarity of mind to get my life together, I read about putting together an emergency plan. The emergency plan required talking to my friends about what to do when I feel desperately sad. Kind of an “in case of emergency, break glass.” Putting this plan together required two things – (1) friends I trust enough to listen to when I don’t trust myself and (2) knowing what I need to be well – and then telling those trusted friends.
Neither of these are particularly easy, but I’ve got amazing friends (thanks y’all) and so the harder task was naming what keeps me well. I did this almost 20 years ago, but my life would have gone much smoother had a done this just 5 years earlier. I had set up a life with all the things I need to be well, but I didn’t really know it. When I changed moved to pursue doctoral studies, I uprooted all those safety nets. And I completely underestimated how much time and effort and trial and error it takes to put those in place in a new environment. And without a safety net, I was free-falling. (I write about this in Bipolar Faith.)
I now know what I need to be okay, even well.
One of those things is community. I’m an extrovert. I get energy from being around other people. My favorite thing is to just hang out with my friends. Of course the isolation of the pandemic made this pretty hard. I tried to get creative. I started impromptu Zoom calls with one of my Facebook groups with international members. My friend Tananarive Due and I started a webseries and community around Octavia Butler’s work. (Check it out here if you’ve missed it.)
So when my mom became an ancestor at the beginning of the pandemic, I had the technological know-how to design a virtual memorial service, but I just didn’t want to. My mom told me what she wanted and it required a church and people. And honestly, I needed my people. And that was one of the best things about my mom’s memorial service last week – seeing my friends and my family and hugging (masked, of course) and crying and doing this in a community of faith.
Putting the service together, with COVID-safety guidelines, in a different state, and editing videos for those who could not be there – it wasn’t easy. And I’m totally the type who stresses about the details. But several friends have checked in on me and asked how I’m doing. Honestly, I’m better. I’m a lot better. Because I got to see my people. And that’s what I needed.
So now the grief feel less like a raw open wound. It still miss my mom, but …. phew, I feel better.
This is not an email about my mom’s memorial service (but I knew you’d want to know about it). This is an email about knowing what I need to be well. I need my people. And I also need ritual. The ritual of walking into a church, being part of a funeral, singing the songs. Those are things I need to be well (and probably why I write about them so much).
What about you? What do you need to be well? Have you thought through it? Shared it with some trusted friends?
If you want to share one of them with me, I’d love to hear it. Just hit reply and let me know.
(BTW thanks a ton to those of you who streamed the service and reached out to me. And if you want to see the recording of my mom’s memorial service, you can find the program and video on PaulineBigby.com)
Dr. Monica
