If you’ve been following my blog, you’ve noticed that I’ve been really quiet lately. Like all summer lately. What’s up with that? Well, part of the challenge of writing about depression is that it’s hard to write when depressed, and, well, depression happens.
But I’m back – well, back to Beautiful Mind Blog – and I thought I’d shake things up a bit.
- I actually have been writing this summer, even if not on Beautiful Mind Blog. So I’ll post some of the online articles and blogs I have been writing.
- I’m changing the format of the blog
I’ve been writing some longer-than-normal blog pieces reflecting theologically on various experiences of living with a depressive condition. I’ll keep doing that. But I’m going to intersperse those with shorter pieces about some of my daily experiences of what it’s like living with, wrestling, sometimes in great healthy ways, sometimes in I’ll-try-again- tomorrow ways with a depressive condition.
I’ve also decided to write a series about my recent experience with miscarriage. I’m not writing about it because it’s easy – because it’s not. I’m not writing about it because I want to share this part of my life with people I don’t know well. I’m writing about it because I’m called to.
I feel called to break silences that cause shame and diminish the qualities of our lives. That’s why I speak out against sexual violence. It’s why I write about mental health challenges. I’ve long been interested in women’s reproductive health, but I’m really interested in how women don’t talk to each other about our embodied lives as women. Sure, we ask how our derriere looks in these jeans, but we don’t talk about our uterus.
Popular society has called menstrual cycles everything from “the rag,” to “the curse,” to “Aunt Flo.” (Thank God for Anita Diamant’s The Red Tent for doing it’s part to encourage women to embrace our menstrual cycles in community!) I’ve recently written about dealing with uterine fibroids. Can I tell you – until I brought it up with my friends and damn-near strangers, only one woman (my mother) every talked with me about it. And about 75% of women may have uterine fibroids, with the African American women experiencing fibroids at a rate of three to five times their white American counterparts.
Likewise, I’m finding that miscarriage is something that women talk about – in whispers – after it’s over. Long after. Like years. Studies show that anywhere from 10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s not an epidemic, but it’s not so uncommon either. But we don’t talk about it. Well, most of us don’t.
We don’t talk about any of these things. But womanhood happens. Womanhood is. We bleed. We don’t bleed. Sometimes it hurts. I find the silence deafening. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that we – women, men and society – are afraid of women’s uteri.
So I’m going to write about it for a little bit. I want to write about how I feel about motherhood – and how depression complicates that. I want to write about the grief that doesn’t end once the doctor says that “you can try again.” I want to write about how hormones play evil tricks on depressive bodies. And I want to write about the grief – and how it is and isn’t like depression.
I’m not writing about this because I’m brave or strong. Lord knows I’m not. I’m writing about it because I can’t write about anything else right now. Because I think we have to break the silence here too. Because I will not cry alone.
First post in The Miscarriage Chronicles
BEAUTIFUL!
Monica, I am so grateful for you! As a female, who is also in ministry leadership, who no longer has a uterus, and also lives in a “depressive body,” it is refreshing to encounter someone who is committed to breaking the silence about these types of issues. I broke my silence about a year and a half ago regarding the battle with depression and have no regrets (even though people sometimes feel like they have to be extra careful with you once they know…). Thank you for your voice… Are there others that you know of who are breaking the silence around these topics?
Yes, there are others who write boldly about living with depressive conditions. Therese Borchard and Terrie M. Williams are some of my favorites. Just google them to find them. There’s one other but I’m blanking on her name right now. It will come to me.
Yes, there are others who write boldly about living with depressive conditions. Therese Borchard and Terrie M. Williams are some of my favorites. Just google them to find them. There’s one other but I’m blanking on her name right now. It will come to me.
Yes, there are others who write boldly about living with depressive conditions. Therese Borchard and Terrie M. Williams are some of my favorites. Just google them to find them. There’s one other but I’m blanking on her name right now. It will come to me.
As you stood so bravely before your Church last night to “not cry alone” – I along with the nearly 100 souls that were part of our Bible Study: “Koinonia – The Gathering,” cried with you. You reminded us that perhaps one of the unique strengths of the Church is to be the safe place for us to cry together – and to share our pains, vulnerabilities, frustrations and fears – and then to encourage each other in love.
Thank you, my Sister, you are not alone.
And the call of the church – that none of us ever cry alone. : )
And the call of the church – that none of us ever cry alone. : )
And the call of the church – that none of us ever cry alone. : )
Thank you for your voice, for your courage, for your willingness to break the silence. You continue to give me hope in my own struggles with depression and the stigma the church holds about mental illness. You are not alone.
We are not alone!
We are not alone!
We are not alone!
Thank you Dr. Coleman for your transparency…it takes great courage to deal with the BS (barriers & stigmas) associated with mental and emotional dis-ease too often masked in the church—to quote Zora Neal Hurston “Speak & Speak Again! Praise God for the “Gathering” of support you received as well….yours in similar struggle…Rev K
Thank you Dr. Coleman for your transparency…it takes great courage to deal with the BS (barriers & stigmas) associated with mental and emotional dis-ease too often masked in the church—to quote Zora Neal Hurston “Speak & Speak Again! Praise God for the “Gathering” of support you received as well….yours in similar struggle…Rev K
Thank you Dr. Coleman for your transparency…it takes great courage to deal with the BS (barriers & stigmas) associated with mental and emotional dis-ease too often masked in the church—to quote Zora Neal Hurston “Speak & Speak Again! Praise God for the “Gathering” of support you received as well….yours in similar struggle…Rev K
Thank you for breaking the silence. You are definitely not alone.
As a Chaplain, I minister to those in the shadow of the cross; those in trauma, crisis and sometimes in spiritual pain. We had a didactic recently on how the hospital handles death of infants. The question was asked, “Have you ever experienced loss?” One young woman answered, I miscarried. I was stunned. I had never thought of my miscarriages as a loss that could be spoken. I was surprised when the clinical educator said we help with the loss of miscarriages, still birth, loss at birth, shortly after, and deaths of infants following birth.
We give a small satin colored purple box for miscarriages and a large satin colored purple box for births after three months and up. A special blanket is made to swaddle the infants that have passed away at birth. A picture is taken if the parents want. A name and other mementos are placed in the box, if the parents want, a special purple sign with a butterfly is placed on the mother’s hospital door, so well meaning people will not ask, “How is the baby?”
My son is almost thirty three years old, I experienced loss before him and after him. No one has ever given me permission to grieve the loss of life. A life I carried within me that did not grow into a child but still was a life. I have two small purple boxes in my house now. I have not been able to open them, or name the would-be children, but, I have begun the conversation with myself. It is okay to grieve the loss by miscarriage. It is loss and there is an emptiness. A healing ritual, an openness to talk about it helps facilitate wellness. I did not know that it was even a loss, now I can celebrate the life that was within. Thank you Monica, for speaking of women things that have been overlooked for far too long. When I can, I have a purple box for you, if you want.
Vera – thank you for sharing.
Pains, even after 3 decades, can hurt again, especially when we have not been given, nor understood that we had permission to grieve or acknowledge in a more powerful way. I praise God for the voices I’m hearing from those who now declare: “I will not cry alone.”
God Bless.
So glad we got to talk further. I would love a purple box. Two actually.
I am So proud of you Monica. This is such a sensitive issue that women face. But, it isn’t just the women. I think we forget about the men too. It is a “loss” of “life” for both individual’s in the relationship. I wholeheartedly agree that individual’s do not talk about it. I also think for those who have experienced, at least for individual’s I know, it’s not so much that they don’t want to talk about, more so, there are no words to say that can comfort the couple in the early stages of the loss. Your question about society’s fear of women’s “uteri” is very interesting and intriguing to me. I look forward to your further insights on the issue. So you know, I shared your link on my facebook page. There I said that I have a feeling that everyone of my “friends” on this page does know someone who has experienced this type of “loss.” I encouraged them to point those individual’s to your blog. In love and peace. Theresa
Love and peace!
Love and peace!
Love and peace!
My goodness, I just realized that in my earlier comment I celebrated you and expressed gratitude for you and failed to even acknowledge and give regard to your significant loss. My apologies for being insensitive and my deepest sympathies and prayers for you as you continue the process of grieving your loss. Blessings to you
My Friend, Dear Mother One, my condolences.
Anew I dedicate You in my poem, “Grieving With a Childless Mother” …
Beautifully written and so authentic. I continue to grieve with you…
Thanks Grace! I feel the love . . .
“Because I will not cry alone.” Best sentence in the blog… Woman, woman, woman (because the word ‘girl’ just doesn’t cut it on this one). Bless you for taking another step every day you wake up. Bless you for sharing your stories. Bless you for being committed to life, even when you experience death and death dealing circumstances. I once read somewhere that we write to know that we are not alone. Keep writing…
Still writing! I hope you are too . . .
“Because I will not cry alone” — Powerful, Monica. Thanks for sharing, for breaking the silence, for the allegiance to your (and our) well-being.
“Because I will not cry alone” — Powerful, Monica. Thanks for sharing, for breaking the silence, for the allegiance to your (and our) well-being.
Thank you Carla.
Thank you Carla.
Thank you Carla.
I continue to be blessed by your writings; I continue to be blessed by your courage. I continued to be blessed by you being you. At first the pregnancy, then the “blood and its possible implications” was to remain a secret. You admonished me to say nothing to anyone…except my mental health providers and your Godmother. That was not my problem…my problem was the “reliving” of my two miscarriages which I had believed were w-a-a-ay in the past, before your birth.
Unfortunately, to my surprise, the memories were so vivid and the emotions and pain remained alive: They had not been buried; they were only placed in a box on the shelf in the closet. I tried not to mention “ME” as I tried to console you, except to say, “Yes, Baby, I understand.” After all, I, had lost my grand.
Today, barely two months later, I realize that sharing your grief, being in your physical and spiritual presence as you endured the physical pain that I could not quelch, and walking with you through the medical protocol, elevated my courage…my courage to reach out and share. And so I did. The space I chose is similar to the space you selected: prayer sharing time at church. I prayed for “Grandchild,” “You,” daughter, “Him” son-in-law, and “Me,” grandmother.
My heart is on the road to finding peace.
I have the best Mama ever! Ever! Yup, I’ll be writing about that in a blog too! Love you!
Thank you for your continued courage to break many “silences.” The silence of sexual violence, the silence of the struggle to heal. The silence of trying to be resilient when you don’t want of get up and face another day. And now, the silence of your heart break and the miscarriage. Your voice is your gift, your words lift up those who read them. Do your words lift you up, do your words help you heal? You are always in my prayers and heart. You have a family of readers, a family of students, and a family of those who love you. We, the family, pray for you and support you to keep going and will always be there to help you heal.
Jan
Thanks Jan! Love you all!
Thanks Jan! Love you all!
Thanks Jan! Love you all!
Dr. Coleman, my wife (and myself) has experienced several miscarriages in our 5 year marriage. It has been a hard journey in one sense, dealing with the loss of the possibility of life, dealing with the body/hormonal changes, and next steps afterwards. The response “you can try again” does not suffice, because the “what once was” is forever impressed on our minds.
I remember you writing something in one of your posts, “When someone dies, you don’t get over it by forgetting; you get over it by remembering. – Leslie Marmon Silko”. That is what we have done, naming our possibilities now gone, and remembering them, so that we can move on and continue hoping.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for breaking the silence about this. My brother and sister-in-law went through the same thing on Christmas day. May God continue to heal your wounds and hold you during your depression and grief.
I can so relate to the silence, Monica. While going through repeated losses (3, all babies), I did not write. I just couldn’t deal with the rawness of the emotions that I felt. I cried mostly, and shared this intense pain, mostly with my husband. It felt like us against the world. The comments and unsolicited feedback, upon the rare occasions of disclosure, sounded so empty, trite, and insensitive. There is no WomEn unless “we” cry and heal together! We must not remain silent, for the antidote for healing lies in the collective spaces that we share.
Thank you for extending the invitation. The doors of the conversation are open! Amen.
There isn’t anything to say except that I believe your honesty and transparency will undoubtedly help many women who have faced the trauma of miscarriage to feel better about sharing their experiences and beginning the journey to healing.
Thank you Monica and I am sorry for your losses. It will hard for me to read these new writings-I never knew that my abortion would hurt psychologically so incredibly much-it was very much a loss. Abortions are another possible female process that I feel cannot be talked about-which is why I have started a blog about it, because, like you, I refuse to be hushed into silence and to cry alone. It is hard to write about the depression from this angle though. I was just discharged from being inpatient for almost a week. I am glad you are dealing with the loss in a healthy way. I need the courage to do the same. (BTW, I hope it wasn’t insensitive of me to bring up the abortion-I know that may be a hard concept to think of right now, but it was what I needed to do.)
Thank you Monica and I am sorry for your losses. It will hard for me to read these new writings-I never knew that my abortion would hurt psychologically so incredibly much-it was very much a loss. Abortions are another possible female process that I feel cannot be talked about-which is why I have started a blog about it, because, like you, I refuse to be hushed into silence and to cry alone. It is hard to write about the depression from this angle though. I was just discharged from being inpatient for almost a week. I am glad you are dealing with the loss in a healthy way. I need the courage to do the same. (BTW, I hope it wasn’t insensitive of me to bring up the abortion-I know that may be a hard concept to think of right now, but it was what I needed to do.)
Thank you Monica and I am sorry for your losses. It will hard for me to read these new writings-I never knew that my abortion would hurt psychologically so incredibly much-it was very much a loss. Abortions are another possible female process that I feel cannot be talked about-which is why I have started a blog about it, because, like you, I refuse to be hushed into silence and to cry alone. It is hard to write about the depression from this angle though. I was just discharged from being inpatient for almost a week. I am glad you are dealing with the loss in a healthy way. I need the courage to do the same. (BTW, I hope it wasn’t insensitive of me to bring up the abortion-I know that may be a hard concept to think of right now, but it was what I needed to do.)
Thank you for sharing and I look forward to seeing your blog where you share about the experience of abortion. Glad you are back home and hope you are feeling better. (BTW, I think all these things are made more difficult/ complicated when living with a depressive condition)
Thank you Monica and I am sorry for your losses. It will hard for me to read these new writings-I never knew that my abortion would hurt psychologically so incredibly much-it was very much a loss. Abortions are another possible female process that I feel cannot be talked about-which is why I have started a blog about it, because, like you, I refuse to be hushed into silence and to cry alone. It is hard to write about the depression from this angle though. I was just discharged from being inpatient for almost a week. I am glad you are dealing with the loss in a healthy way. I need the courage to do the same. (BTW, I hope it wasn’t insensitive of me to bring up the abortion-I know that may be a hard concept to think of right now, but it was what I needed to do.)
Can I get a purple box?
Inbox me the address and I’ll send one